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Vodka is just amazing water.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I give myself the best presents.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver