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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...