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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..