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Never trust a skinny chef
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?