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Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I say the things better left unsaid.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...