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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!