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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".