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I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.