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If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.