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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"