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I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.