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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.