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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet