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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.