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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.