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Keep calm and drink on.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.