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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.