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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.