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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.