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never be afraid to wipe twice
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional