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Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
My life is just one long improvisation.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.