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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"