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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
I drink coffee for your protection.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.