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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping