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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.