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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom