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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.