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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.