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If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.