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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.