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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone