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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.