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As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.