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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
So much to do and so few alibis.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
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I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.