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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.