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The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.