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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.