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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Remember when the world ended last year?
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.