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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
I hate when the remote is way over there
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)