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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
exercise........you mean extra fries
and alcohol are now friends.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?