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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.