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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.