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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
is "insert clever remark here."
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business