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I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
is in no shape to exercise
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.