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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.