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60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
u cant spell awesome without me
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?