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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.