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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
I`ve given up on giving up.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.