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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.