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I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
I wish karma would send me email notifications.