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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.