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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don`t think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?