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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
People assume Iām smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?