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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
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Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"