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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Never trust a skinny chef
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm