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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!