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I don`t care about your status...
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.