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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
My internet goes out more than I do.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.