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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?