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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.