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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.