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Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I know u r but what am I ?
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.