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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(:
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.