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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!