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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.