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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.