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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.